I am yours

Life is good...

Fri, 28 Oct 2005 13:48:56 GMT

Oh dear i have had a hectic week... lalala, dressed like a whore for the school fancy dress day, only to find out i gotta do it all over again on monday...

lol

x

Update...

Sat, 22 Oct 2005 12:10:14 GMT

Well ive certainly realised that men are very shit. but i realise there is more to life than andrew fucking anderson. and i need to move on from that.

that is all.

lol, no, its taken a lot of shit to make me realise im not doing myself any good.

so im going to get well and truly rat arsed and hopefully enjoy my night...

ah well back to the mill.

xx

Proper Update...

Fri, 07 Oct 2005 08:48:17 GMT

Ok, so the doctors... went as well as can be i guess... cried, a lot and explained what was going on in my mind, and the doctors confirmed that my depression is back, and that i need antidepressants, and sedatives.

Getting sedatives next week, and also sorting out antidepressants etc, which will hopefully help me sleep.

Had a lot of thinking time, which is good i guess... realising that i have to get over all this and get on with being happy is the main theme, and those of you who are helping me, i dont know how to thank you! i love you so much...

So yeh, im turning my life around, and im gonna start taking better care of myself. I hope soon i'll be a happy Kayleigh, not just the one with the fake smile sometimes... lol

Hugs to all

xx

PS Agreed with andrew that i wouldnt physically see him for a good couple of months, hope that helps me too.

Rainclouds...

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 22:43:25 GMT

I have a big black raincloud over my head... following me around wherever i go... what should i be thinking or feeling?

Im scared but grateful of this doctors appointment... i know it'll help, but im still so scared.

Anyways, enough of that, im off to get some sleep, up early to meet fee at her work, then will be heading to town rather early to get some stuff done, then to doctors i go... hmmm

Night night xxx

Not all bad...

Mon, 03 Oct 2005 11:50:00 GMT

After a very bad day at work on saturday, even after a 12 hour sleep on friday nite, i went home and slept some more...

Saturday... all the systems were down, so instead of sending us home, we were all dragged off the fones, and made to take extra training... pfft.

Loooooooooooooooong day then ensued, and i was grateful to go home...

Mega skint, so no night out for me, til i get paid at least me thinks...

Doctors tomorrow, hopefully get my life sorted...

xx

Apology

Fri, 30 Sep 2005 08:48:13 GMT

To anyone who is worried, im sorry... i just needed to let out how i feel, im sitting here crying my eyes out in the canteen... i feel alone, even though friends have offered to be there, i just feel empty and lonely...

So im sorry for those of you who are a) having to put up with my moaning and b) worried about me... like i said to phil, EVENTUALLY i'll be ok, but its gonna take a long time, before i feel worth anything... a long time before i feel like everything is ok.

I just need time alone to think and to consider what to do with myself. how that turns out, i dont know, but i'll keep you all posted.

Thank you for caring, i really do appreciate it xx

PS. Fee can u call me around 8pm? give you enough time to sleep

Im a Disappointment arent I?

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 23:27:00 GMT

Ok, so i lied... Things arent fine. Things are worse that bad... things have gotten to the point, where i cry myself to sleep wishing not to wake up in the am... I mean, i just dont see the point in breathing anymore.

For the record, on saturday night, i stupidly slept with andrew... then on sunday, i felt better, we had a chat, and were discussing getting back together... then yesterday, he broke my heart... he told me down the fone, that it meant nothing, and that he doesnt want me...

A lot of crying ensued, and then a lack of sleep and food followed... i havent been eating that much, and barely sleeping... its making me ill...

So today he comes to see me, and for a while, i think things are fine, after crying a lot, we come to what i think is "an arrangement", and yet again, once again, im left feeling that things are looking up... him saying he loves me, and kissing me... it felt so nice.

I get to fee's and i call him around 10pm, and he drops the bombshell that he really doesnt want anything to do with me, so i break down... i was sitting on fees kitchen floor crying my heart out...

Phil comes in and tries to make me feel better *bless*, but nothing seems to work right now, all i feel right now, is hurt, pain and grief... i miss him so much and i dont understand why he is being like this.

what have i done to deserve this??? surely someone must have an answer??

Well, i dont know when i'll see any of u again, will be a long time i know that for sure... cant face anyone right now... no one should need to be dealing with my issues, its all my fault... and i dont want anyone else feeling this shit.

Goodbye xx

Ah well...

Thu, 29 Sep 2005 19:41:05 GMT

Im back in fife, after a stressful couple of days... andrew changing his mind about things, not sleeping, hardly eating... yeh and a lot of crying...

So yesterday i get up early to get the 6.30 train with phil, and i get to work and get sent home, for crying my eyes out, men cant make a decision and stick to it! so after wandering about in town, bought a few dvds, i called fee, who asked me to come through last nite... i went home and sat with my head in my hands crying... then lay on the sofa watching tv for a while, whilst attempting to get a hold of andrew, when alison called to ask if i was still chumming her to the scottish gas open day... went down there and then we went for a drink and a very helpful chat... *hugs*

went home, and got very little sleep... andrew came down this morning, and after a lot of hysterical crying and not really paying much attention, we had a good talk and hopefully we have come to an arrangement.

so now im through in fife, after fee giving me a lovely tea and watching dirty dancing 2...

and i have a doctors appointment on tuesday to hopefully help me feel better about myself.

Kayleigh xxx

Proper Post...

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 21:50:13 GMT

For those of you who are in the know, im feeling pretty low right now... i miss certain aspects and certain people in my life... there are days where i feel like theres no point... i know, i know, im pathetic right?

So anyways, i feel like u guys are the only people i can trust to just read what i feel and not judge me... and that is the reason u are the only ones added.

So i will await thursday, and see where the conversation between us leads, and hopefully i will either get closure or clarity... at least one... *crosses fingers*

Anywhos, off to bed, early start in the am...

*hugs* to all, especially ali for her strength today... proud of u hunni

Kayleigh xx

New Journal...

Tue, 27 Sep 2005 20:31:15 GMT

Well, i decided to set myself a new, friends only LJ, due to recent circumstances... so those of you who can see this are people i trust, so well done to you...

Anywhos, will post something worthwhile later on.

Kayleigh

x